Planting roots

Turns out I suck at blogging...lets be honest, no one is shocked here. I actually forgot this blog existed until my mother started her own blog, well mom, you have permission to read this blog, unlike when you read all my journals... seriously, I can't believe you did that.

Anyway, a lot has changed since I blogged last.

2nd semester is over and I just started my 3rd, meaning, I am now in practicum! Although I am shocked that people deem me qualified to counsel I'm jumpin' in and loving it.

Its easy to forget why I wanted to be a counselor in the first place when I am not working with people, so I am so glad to be working with people again because I'm starting to remember...kinda like when Robin Williams remembered he was Peter Pan in Hook. 1st semester was actually hell for me(literally HELL). My roommate attempted suicide and I got to have an awesome two month romance with a little thing I like to call PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). I barely survived that semester, but I made it, by the grace of God alone mind you. I returned to Chicago for 5 weeks of bliss. My brother got married and it was the best wedding EVER. Yes, I am biases, sorry i'm not sorry. I got to spend time with my family (which all two of you, my followers, know I am borderline obsessed with them) and my friends...needless to say there was not a single fiber in my being that wanted to go back to CO. It was scary there, and my home was so safe...and cooper was at home, so home was even more appealing. HOWEVER God does not call us to live a comfortable life, He calls us to live and obedient life. So with tear filled eyes I took that long flight back to Denver (it wasn't actually that long, it just sounded more dramatic that way).

I returned to a new roommate, who is, might I add, wonderful. And within a few weeks of being back I felt the Lord telling me to "plant some roots."  I ignored this call for a few weeks because, well, I didn't want to. My plan was to get out of here as quickly as possible so I could return home to my safe and warm bed.

In January I realized that part of this root planting business would be to find a church that I could call my home. A church that could become my family. I had been living the life of a zombie for the past three months and something had to give. I heard about a church through a friend of mine that A. had old people and B. had teenagers (I don't know what you guys look for in a church, but those are my top two). I was able to get involved in the youth group and the young adult group...and even Sunday school some days (guys, sometimes you just need some small children roaming around in your life). I feel like a part of a family again. I came to Colorado thinking I would never find a church that I fit into as well as CLG, and where I could never replace CLG, this church sure does feel like home. For that I am grateful. I have also gotten plugged in with some amazing families that I now nanny for and for the first time since I moved out here I feel complete. I still miss my family every day (we are after all enmeshed...counseling jargon) but I am happy to be here and I am no longer afraid to stay.

In other news this program is rocking my world. I am  learning about, and forced to deal with head on, so many aspects of myself that need to change. I feel like I am learning what it looks like to die to myself...my patterns, my will, my control, my ideals, my ideas...getting the picture....and live for Christ. I am both horrified and excited to see the finished work He is doing in me...I will probs have  to die before I can see it fully, but for now,  I will take glimpses. He is working in me and its hard and sucks, but I don't think I would have it any other way. And no, I will not be blogging about those inner workings...mom you will have to come here to read my journals in person if you want to hear.

until next time dear friends...i.e Elyse and Laura the only ones who read  this...and by next time,  I probably mean 6 months...bye

Let it go

I'm reading a lot...like a lot a lot. Currently I am reading about Carl Rogers and Person Centered Therapy and No I will not be lecturing you on theories but Person Centered Therapy believes that the client can set their own goals and it is the counselors job to keep them on task, in the present, working towards those goals.

The text suggest that a therapist can only expect a client to go deep as they are willing to go themselves. The suggestion for this semesters reading is to apply these theories to our own lives not merely as theory but as therapy...so this is what I am attempting to do throughout my time here at DenSem.

I believe the first step in my own therapeutic process is to let go

First Let go of control. I read in my devotion the other day

" you can achieve the victorious life thought living in deep dependence on me. people usually associate victory with success; not failing or stumbling, not making mistakes. but those who are SUCCESSFUL ON THEIR OWN STRENGTH TEND TO GO THEIR OWN WAY FORGETTING ME. it is through problems annd failure, weakness and neediness that you learn to rely on me. TRUE DEPENDENCE IS NOT SIMPLY ASKING ME TO BLESS WHAT YOU HAVE DECIDED TO DO. it is coming to me with an open mind and heart inviting me to to pllant my desires within you. (this is the part that got me big) It may infuse within you a dream that seems far beyong your reach. YOU KNOW THAT IN YOURSELF YOU CANNOT ACHIEVE SUCH A GOAL. thus begins your journey of profound reliance on me. it is a faith-walk, taken one step at a time, leaning on me as much as you need. this is not a path of continual success but of multiple failures. however each failure is followed by a growth spurt, nourished y increased reliance on me. enjoy the blessed of a victorious life thought deepening your dependence on me" Sarah Young "Jesus calling"

I need to depend on my Lord as counselor, father, friend, conqueror, master, support...all that I need is in him..

two Let go of the past

I am paralyzed by my past, hung up on desires for justice. Answers I may never get, apologies I may never receive. I constantly function from the a point of reference where retrospect is 20/20 and I now have the answers to all of my past questions. I dwell on all the things I wish I could have said or done to change the outcome of the circumstance. Whether is was a opportunity missed or relationship lost I torture myself by constantly living in the re-play. Until recently, I realized that was no way to live at all. You can not change the past, but If I can't learn to let it go and change those things about me which I have come to despise, maybe I can experience a fuller future.

If I could tell my past self any one thing it would be to be honest and talk about how you feel, don't be afraid to take risks..live life to the fullest...
so, since I cannot talk to my past self I will tell my future self. Be honest and talk about how you feel, don't be afraid to take risks..live life to the fullest..

Its never too late to let go, so now, no more trusting in me, no more dwelling on the past with full dependence in the divine strength of God alone... I press on towards my goals and trust that I am exactly where God wants me to be. I trust in His calling for my life and though I may never understand the process in which the Lord has taken me to get to this point I'm glad to be here. I'm looking forward to what God is going to reveal about Himself and His character through this period of self evaluation of which I am about to embark. I trust that God knows the Plans that He has for me and that they are plans to help me, not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future.

Dear Elyse

I started this Blog for my dear friend Elyse who will be moving to Africa for a year. So, Elyse you will be the first I send my blog link too. Three months after I made my first post, who would have thought I would be such a shy blogger. Anyway....update on my life in the past three months

I know this will come as no shock to any of you when I admit this...but here it goes. I am a control freak. Yes, though it took me a good 24 years to admit this, and the past 6 months to embrace this quality that I am now learning how to control...that's right, control my controlling ways...epic fail.

After I got accepted into DenSem, I prayed that the Lord would stretch me, that he would take me from the familiar and bring me to a place where I needed to rely on His strength and not mine. You know that saying "be careful what you wish for." I am starting to understand the truth behind that saying. I assumed moving would be that stretching experience I was praying for, but little did I know that God was planning on breaking me here and now.

As soon as I told my boss I was leaving things at the shelter took a nice, slow and steady turn. Though Audits are always stressful, I passed with flying colors. Youth group was done for the summer and my friendships were deepening every day. My world was peaceful for the first time in a long time. It was safe, it was comfortable and it was summer (its really easy to forget the horrible winters in Traverse City in the summers, because summers here are wonderful) This was the calm before the storm... I will name this life storm Voldemort (p.s auto correct knows who Voldemort is, its give me the squiggly red line when I write Bree, but not Voldemort)

Voldemort's attack

• Though this is a blessing, and something we have been wanting for a while, my dad got a new job that will bring my parents back to Chicago, but not the part of Chicago that is my home. I will now have to say goodbye to my home of traverse city forever. Goodbye best friends, goodbye to watching my dear friends kids grow up and celebrating birthdays and graduations, goodbye volunteering at thirdlevel, goodbye wonderful church, goodby Christmas' in Traverse City....Loss of a sense of home 1pt Voldemort
• next after a close call with a roommate that would have been a very difficult situation, the roommate that I actually wanted to live with and was going to live with informed me that she didn't get the financial aid she needed and that it was looking like she wasn't going to be able to come. meaning I would either be a lone (fearful that I would then have to pay the whole apartment) or that I would get paired with another roommate that I couldn't live with like before.... Loss of sense of security in Denver 1pt Voldemort
• Then, my computer, cell phone and zune broke. Replacing those cost a pretty penny and 5 cavities, three trips to the dentist and a hurting mouth also put me out a good 400 bucks. This for a girl who is trying to save because she is moving across the country...suckage Loss of financial buffer 1 more pt Voldemort
• I applied for an nannying job that would make me a significant amount of money, it fit perfectly with my schedule, the woman I spoke to loved me and said she thought I would be the best fit for her family. She said she would check my references and turn down the other girls...later that week she informed me she was going another direction with her nanny. She said I sounded great, but that she just couldn't wait for me to arrive in CO. loss of future plans for financial security 1 pt Voldemort.
  

• Then the close friend I have out in CO informs me that she will be moving before I arrive to Colorado. Complete feeling of security ripped from me 3pts Voldemort

Needless to say, the storm was a bruin' and bruin' quickly. Though I may have referred to the storm as one of the most hated literally characters written in the 20 century I think that God was using this storm to teach me a few things.

lesson 1.
Chill out Pedersen. I understand why the Bible talks so much about worry so much, and how it does not add a single second to your life...I was feeling lifeless and numb wanting nothing more then to crawl into a hole and never leave. God did however know what he was doing. Spending some time in Illinois with my family and friends there reminded me of the fact that Illinois is one of the many places, like Traverse City, that hold my heart. Knowing that my parents would be more financially stable, closer to my brother and his wife to be and my family brought me a sense of peace. I realize now how many significant life changes i have made over the past 8 years. In all of those changes God has always remained my sense of support. my rock. peace that surpasses all understanding 10 pts God.

lesson 2.
My roommate informed me that she would in fact be coming. The lesson I learned in this one was to trust in the Lords timing. I was freaking out because I didn't have a back up plan, in my scrambling to find a back up plan I realized I had NO control over this situation, and that All i could do was wait. providing for my future living arrangements 10 pts God

lesson 3.
Though my friend who I was so very excited about living near did move away. The Lord worked to bring my dear friend Britt with me! She is also moving to CO as a live in Nanny living only 25mins away from me. The lesson that I learned in this is that God does care about my comfort. I felt like all things that were comfortable to me were stripped from me, I felt alone and afraid but God decided to give me not only a person that I knew, but one of my best friends. A friend who I can be me with, completely and totally me, a friend who loves me regardless of the mood I am in. Who cares about my friendship not only because of what they can get out of it, but about what they can give. Britt is my sister, she is a part of my home giving me a sense of home in a foreign land 10 pts God.


I would be lying if I said I was cured from my control freak syndrome. I still worry. I worry about whether I am cut out for Grad School. I worry about making friends and finding a church. I worry about finances both now and once I graduate...but in the midst of all of these fears I know one think for sure "that I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you. plans to give you a hope and a future " Jeremiah 29:11 I don't know what the Lord has in store for me, but I trust that, though easy it may not be, it will be good. God is bigger then my storms, he is bigger then my fears. He is bigger then my unbelief.

New Beginnings

John Mayer's song "why Georgia why" says " it might be a quarter life crisis, or just a stirring in my soul, either way i worry sometimes about the outcome of a still verdictless life...am i livin' it right"

this might be a quarter life crisis or just a stirring in my soul, all I know is that something has gotta give.

My friends at Wikipedia define a quarter life crisis as a term applied to the Period of life immediately following the major changes of adolescence usually ranging from the late teens to early thirties. During this this time one may experience unsettling emotions and insecurities (check) in the context of a quarter life crisis they occur shortly after a young person, usually an educated professional, in this context, enters the "real world" after entering adult life and coming to terms with its responsibilities, some individuals find themselves experiencing career stagnation (check) or extreme insecurity, the individual often realizes the real world is tougher, more competitive and less forgiving then he/she imagined. They later describe a quarter life crisis as experiencing a "graying" of emotions"

A graying of emotions. I couldn't have put it more perfectly. As an artist color makes sense to me. You start with your primary Red, Blue and Yellow and pairing that with the (oh so complex) color wheel we all learned in kindergarten one can create any color. Its simple!!! I wish life were as simple as painting. I wish I could lay down a picture of everything I want to become and mix and match 'til I get it just right. To me painting makes sense. Colors I get, shading I understand. I use to live in a world where black was black and white was white. The older I get and the more I understand of this world i realize that the world we live in is gray and it is in the Shades that beauty is found. In this time, this age I am the color gray. The thing that is fascinating about the color gray that the shades are unending. The multitude of shades in between black and white are all necessary to create a beautiful picture full of dimension and life.

I feel that my life is a beautiful picture of grays. Its not a depressing thing but a good thing. A few months ago, starting back in October, I began to feel an itch for some change. I feel this itch from time to time. It sweeps in like the changing winds. Like the winds are changing me. I have a great life. I have more wonderful, sacrificial, loving and supportive friends then one person should be allowed in a life time. I have a wonderful kind loving family, a dog who makes me laugh so hard I cry sometimes, few financial burdens and a job that most people my age would kill for. I am running a homeless shelter for homeless and run away youth ages 14-17. Rewarding, yes, but challenging beyond words. When I graduated college my future seemed so bright, the possibilities seemed endless. Though I suffered a few painful months in retail my perfect job was pretty much handed to me. I started working with the shelter as a direct care worker hanging out with teenagers all day. A few months in I was promoted to shelter assistant and about a year ago I was promoted to shelter manager. 24 years old and I managed a shelter. Needless to say this was a challenge and by January about a year into my managerial position, I was completely and utterly burnt out. I felt as though my job literally sucked the life out of me (that's a story for another blog) Something had to give. my world that was once so wonderful and colorful now seemed dull and lifeless, until one day when a colleague told me something that changed my life. We had been working on some very difficult cases involving child protective services ( a collaboration I had been utilizing entirely too much) in discussing a case I said something sarcastically like "I'm never having kids, because kids turn into teenagers" he said he had raised 4 wonderful children and encouraged me to take heart and realize that "this is not real life" this is someones reality, but it is not your reality...it's not real life.

These words along with a conversation i had with my boss about where I saw myself in 5 years made me realize that if this was "it" and I had "arrived" I would most definitely end up miserable ... probably alone (with at least 100 cats) living in a world where people suck the life out of me and I die alone (and my cats unleash their deadly rabies to the world turning humanity into zombies) ...dramatic I know. Though I'm joking about the cats these fears solidified the change that had been festering inside of me. It is time for action. Anxiety rules my life, stress and worry sandwiched between a lack of respect from clients and their parents followed by a big old bottle of disappointment. This would be my life.

Things had gotten to the point where, as scary as it would be to leave, it would be scarier yet to stay. I have not arrived, I am not the person I know I can be the person I want to be. I have not met the goals I have placed for myself. One of those goals was grad school. during this mess of a winter I began the application process into a seminary in Colorado that a friend of mine was attending. By the beginning of march I was accepted (again another story for another time)

Things are changing, I quit my job, I'm moving to Denver CO, and I'm ready. I'm ready to embrace my grayness and work my way back into the world of color. But for now, I'm content where I am and I'm finding beauty in the mess that is the age of 25. I'm no longer a child, I still don't quite feel like a grown up, but I am growing up. The growing pains are unbearable at time, but I take heart in knowing that in the end I will be complete. I feel like Peter pan put it best when he said "to live would be an awfully big adventure" Ive never been the Big fish in a little pond type and I'm still looking for my niche, but i feel in getting there. I'm ready for a new adventure to start off my next quarter of life.